What's Your Story? From a Man's Perspective

In this blog entry, I would discuss an experience of a man. It would be like one of my previous blog entry, What’s Your Story? I know I have said that I would not continue the series, but I found one interesting experience that I could use as an example in this blog.

In addition, to avoid bias. I got this story from a man. For some reasons, I often tend to see the woman as a victim. But it is different in this case.

You’ll understand when you’ve read the whole thing

“I have been married for seven years, sadly the last four have been quite bad, all communication has been out of sync or non-existent. She has had two separate affairs, but she admitted were being unhappy about life, liking the attention, and were largely physical. Counseling frustrated her because she said all it did was have someone to tell her how messed up she is (the councilor). She started a new affair a few months ago, I have very recently discovered it through some e-mails. The depths go far deeper than physical, she was completely ready to leave me. I have tried to steer her back towards me. I know nothing justifies cheating on your spouse but I do feel partly responsible because there are little things I could have done differently to avert a lot of this. But back to the current guy she told him, and he agreed, that she needs to see if things can be salvaged with us. I haven't told her about the e-mails but she did admit that she had fallen in love with another and wanted to try with us once again. I am pretty sure I already know the answer, but at what point to I surrender to the possibility she has already made up her mind and won't admit it to herself? That her desire to make us work is just her not being honest with herself? I don't want to let her go, there is something between us that is worth fighting for (something she has agreed on as well) and many of the surrounding circumstances causing our breakdown in communication have past, just not the wounds. She just came back from seven months overseas where the relationship reached its climax and I expected things to be awkward, but how much time should I let go by before it isn't that awkward again? She says she wants to work on things but seems to be distant and push back when I try to do little things. She won't stop communication with him (they text frequently), and I'm pretty sure all of you will agree that alone is a sign she's not truly serious about us but I have my reasons to believe this isn't the case. Having said all of that I guess I'm looking for a consensus as to if this is a colossal waste of time on my part?”

Please read my next blog entry for my opinions.

The Opinion

In this blog entry, I gathered some of the opinions about divorce on Twitter.

I think this would be helpful. Other people's opinion are important. I believe that in order to get the best result, we should see all the sides of the issue.

Here are some of the opinions that can be found on Twitter, a social networking site that offers micro blogging.

momblogger May 29, 2011 at 22:24

Now that Malta legalized it, the only country that doesn't allow divorce is the Philippines. Come on Gabriela do your thing!

dianekristel May 29, 2011 at 23:56

Is there a need to pass a Divorce Bill?

Kapunan: Opposition to divorce is the hypocrisy of congressmen who want to have their wives and keep their mistresses. #harapan

ANCALERTS June 13, 2011 at 0:05

May naghihiwalay talaga. Pag malabo ang terms, MAS kawawa ang anak. Lilinawin ng divorce terms ang arrangement of responsibilities. Klaro.

GangBadoy June 13, 2011 at 0:32

#harapan, #ibasura, #ipasa. ang kailangan ay ayusin muna ang pagkatao ng isang tao para maibsan na ang mga hindi magagandang gawain ng tao.

Duffymarkc June 13, 2011 at 1:34

Humans are just humans. Who they think is the "one" may not be anymore 10 years into married life. #ipasa

vinnicents June 13, 2011 at 1:30

legalizing something that should have not been from the beginning won't do us any good NO TO #DIVORCEBILL #ibasura dami ng batas to enforce,

1stladyace June 13, 2011 at 1:46

#ibasura #divorcebill di na kailangan 'yan, pag dating ng araw if mapasa 'yan pagcchan 'yan & magiging rason 'yan ng mabilis n pghihiwlayan

1stladyace June 13, 2011 at 1:56

Keeping a family together when there is a poisoned or totally broken down marriage does not protect the family at all. #ipasa #divorce

ikuwaderno June 13, 2011 at 2:06

Annulment is possible though.

There were 8,282 annulment cases in 2010. And countless others that don't get annulled anymore and just separate. This is already happening

Muwu May 29, 2011 at 23:46

@ml895 i do i live in the philippines, we don't have divorce but we have annulment which totally different

TingJin08 May 29, 2011 at 19:06

Philippines only country (aside from Vatican City) that does not legalize divorce.

Malta voted "Yes" to divorce. Does that mean the Philippines is the only place left where divorce is still unlawful? #fb

timothygo_only1 May 29, 2011 at 20:02

Prior to 1947, we had divorce in the Philippines. The late Senator Arturo Tolentino was a divorcée.

nerveending May 29, 2011 at 20:16

Woah, RH bill now, divorce? Is Philippines ready for the modern world?

marvinleetang May 29, 2011 at 18:40

@ml895 Hmmn I actually don't want divorce to be legal here in the Philippines...

loyalsubject May 29, 2011 at 19:57

Posted a link in FB abt Philippines being left as d only country not legalizing divorce. Girls r commenting & shouting one thing - FREEDOM!

jexplore May 29, 2011 at 22:04

divorce in the Philippines would be useless if the ex husband could not afford to pay the alimony

loidita May 29, 2011 at 22:11

The Philippines is now the only nation without divorce. It's time, c'mon honorable Congressmen and Senators!

barnabychuck May 29, 2011 at 22:20

Every fellow Asian I know has the same reaction when I tell them #Divorce is illegal in the #Philippines. "What. The. Fuck?"

flipcritic May 29, 2011 at 22:19

@momblogger @bethangsioco Guys, di pa nga tapos ang laban sa RH...you wanna take on the church again on another uber-sensitive issue?

blogie May 29, 2011 at 22:20

Haha! Nainggit lang sa Malta. :) but seriously, bills have been filed fr 9th congress yata. @blogie @momblogger

bethangsioco May 29, 2011 at 22:24

@momblogger not many people know but the Bible does grant divorce on ONLY ONE condition: adultery..just cant remember the exact verse

agilangtamad May 29, 2011 at 22:23

Thoughts on Divorce

@sisanipepe I don't see why divorce is evil and will destroy the family while annulment is totally okay. They achieve the exact same thing.

Muwu May 29, 2011 at 23:28

“@flipcritic: Why no #Divorce in #Philippines? Because it's another money maker 4 Catholic Church.” Religion=controlling the masses!

HeadlessGal May 29, 2011 at 22:39

Some don't believe in divorce

I'm supporting the Philippines as the only country not legalizing divorce. I believe in the sanctity of marriage. Malta said YES, PHL NEVER.

BlinkingBadge May 29, 2011 at 23:07

@itsJohnTiu i don't think divorce should be legalized in the Philippines..

jettorias May 29, 2011 at 23:07

The future of divorce.

I predict that in the next 15 years, the Philippines will be the only country in the world that still bans divorce, condoms & gay marriage.

davesi May 29, 2011 at 23:16

@flipcritic @momblogger Superficially moral. In reality, the core is just as rotten as anywhere else in the world

Muwu May 29, 2011 at 23:33

You can share your thoughts on HB No. 1799, the Divorce Bill as well. The full view of the Bill can be found here
http://www.scribd.com/doc/35838190/House-Bill-No-1799-An-Act-Introducing-Divorce-in-the-Philippines

I featured this site and had briefly discussed the bill in one of my previous blog.

The Supplement

I’ve been honest since my first blog that I, personally am against divorce. As much as possible I do not want to see separation, sadness, sorrows, loneliness. I guess this is because there’s this child in me who still believes in happily ever afters. I also believe in the Filipino Saying,” Lahat ay naaayos sa mabuting usapan”

If you’re in a series of routine that cycles within arguing, fighting and silent treatment. Then, I am already telling you that it is a bad sign.

However, in order to save a marriage it would require the efforts of both parties.

So, how do you save your marriage? Brie Gatchalian researched and compiled five must know tips from five relationship experts on how to save a failing marriage.

Avoid drama
No one likes fighting, cold silences, slamming doors, court battles, child custody problems and financial struggles. 'Drama of that type is never necessary — it's a result of adults acting like upset children,' points out Tina Tessina, who's also known as 'Dr. Romance,' and author of How To Be A Couple and Still Be Free. 'Avoid dramatic pronouncements, scenes and ultimatums when problems arise. Instead, learn to sit down as an adult and talk about what the solution might be.' For starters, think and act as you do at work when a problem arises — most people can't throw fits and keep their jobs, right?

Don't resent each other
Resentment is a poison that will kill a marriage. 'In order for a marriage (or any relationship) to heal and grow, it's essential that you release resentment over things that went ‘wrong' in the past,' says Aurora Winter, founder of Grief Coach Academy and author of From Heartbreak to Happiness. 'The truth is, the past is over. No matter how much you think it should have been different, the past is never going to change. Ever.'

Plan Date Nights
It's very important to keep the lines of communication open between two people who spend their days focused on other people and careers. And it's also very important to have some fun in the process. 'Once or twice a month, get out of the house and enjoy a dinner and talk,' suggests Sybil Keane, psychologist and mental health expert on JustAnswer.com. 'Make a list during the month about what you feel you need to address and talk about — both good and bad.' Keep children's issues to a minimum — this is about the two of you. Validate each other and try to remember what life was like when you first dated, Keane adds. 'Yes, [things are] different [now], but the longer you stay married, the more mature your love will become.'
 

Don't forget about TLC
'Instead of trying to mold your spouse into the perfect partner, focus on becoming the ideal partner you seek,' explains Lauren Mackler, life coach and author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. 'This allows you to engage with your partner from a place of wholeness, instead of from a place of neediness or fear that you can't take care of yourself.' And don't forget about how much you love your significant other. It's important to extend to your relationship the same devotion and tenderness that you would to a newborn child, Mackler says. 'Just as a baby would die if left to fend for itself, relationships fail to thrive without on-going care, love, and attention.'
 

Give it time
Getting a relationship back on track takes time. 'Set in your mind a timeframe with periodic check-ins to see if things are improving. Remember though, it's not a wait-and-see proposition, which can be passive,' says Karol Ward, licensed psychotherapist and author of Find Your Inner Voice. You have to commit and make saving your relationship an active project. 'At the end of three months (for instance), check in with yourself and your spouse to see how things are going.' Ward reminds to start acknowledging the positive changes you've experienced and fine-tune the things that still need work.

The 7 Signs to Watch Out For Part Two

Here's the continuation of my previous blog.

These are the other three signs that you should be watching out.

You're Parents, Not Partners
'If you have focused so much on being a family and raising your kids, and let your couple relationship go, you may find that you've lost your couple connection completely,' warns Tessina. 'This is why so many couples break up as soon as the kids are grown (or even before). Your man-and-wife relationship is vital -- it's the foundation your family is built on.' Tessina advises that you and your spouse not get so into your role as parents that you forget to be partners. Yes, your children are important, but so are your love and your relationship as a couple. It's not just about the kids.

Complete Withdrawal
'When either spouse withdraws emotionally from the relationship for an extended period of time, this means that the person no longer wants to put in the effort,' Ward points out. That might be hard to hear, couples, but pulling back because you are hurt is very different then removing yourself from the relationship while you are still in it -- those are two totally different things. 'If a spouse stops giving affection, refuses to communicate or does not spend time at home for long periods of time, this usually indicates they have emotionally left the relationship,' Ward explains. To fix matters, you can verbalize your concerns or write a note telling your spouse you need to speak with him. 'When you do meet, tell him you have noticed his disappearance, how it makes you feel and ask him what's going on,' she advises. 'It may feel awkward and rusty to connect again, but if you want your relationship back on track, let it be awkward without judging it.

Unwillingness to Resolve Conflict
If one of you refuses to try and work out conflicts or problems, you are in a dead-end relationship,' says Ward. 'There is a difference between not knowing how to resolve arguments and the refusal to do so. If one spouse or both are unwilling to negotiate, stop arguing or go to a therapist to heal the relationship, then the relationship has no where to go except towards divorce.' You and your spouse have to be willing to try and save the relationship in order for it to survive, say relationship experts. If you and your spouse are both willing, it's a good idea to find time when you are not fighting to communicate and share your concerns. 'Tell your spouse that you don't know how to fix things between you and you are feeling stuck,' Ward suggests. 'Ask him if he has any thoughts on how to make things better and then discuss one thing you are willing to try that week to rebuild trust. If you still can't agree, tell your spouse you feel you both need professional support and guidance and then find a couples therapist.' Hopefully, he'll want to give that a shot.

The 7 Signs to Watch Out For

In my previous blog, The Danger Signs, I have stated the “danger signs” that can be sensed on your partner that might lead to separation. These danger signs are for preventing in engaging into a wrong relationship and a failed marriage.

However, I have also said that it depends on the situation, especially with the love and patience of the other party towards the other person.

In this blog entry, I would be discussing the signs that a married couple would be undergoing that might lead to divorce.

I am not saying that when you are experiencing the things that I am going to say, then your bound to divorce. There’s always a chance to save your marriage. These signs are here to waken you up and save your marriage before it’s too late.

So what are the signs that I am talking about? 

So, here are seven signs that you should watch out for, ‘cause these are signs that might lead you to an undesirable divorce.

These signs are from www.sheknows.com

Lack of Respect
According to Karol Ward, author of Find Your Inner Voice: Using Instinct and Intuition Through the Body-Mind Connection, if either spouse is disrespectful or dismissive about trying to repair issues in the marriage, this indicates that the one using the disrespect is no longer regarding the other one as an equal partner. 'There is a big difference between being angry or hurt with your spouse and treating them with scorn. Disrespect means you no longer value or cherish your spouse, which is a major problem in a relationship,' Ward explains. If you'd like to fix matters, Ward suggests, 'When things are calm, express how hurt you feel when you feel you are disrespected and ask what is triggering it. You don't have to agree with the other person's perspective, but indicate you are willing to try and work on the relationship and ask them if they are too.' Be honest, calm and direct, Ward adds. 'If you find out the other person does not want to continue, at least you will know the truth and stop the cycle of bad behavior,' she says.

No Fighting
This might sound good in theory, but if you and your spouse aren't fighting anymore, that means you're also not communicating. 'If you've been fighting, or just dread fighting, moving into a phase of not talking meaningfully at all can feel like a relief,' says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a.k.a. 'Dr. Romance,' psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, 'but it could be a sign that you've both given up on being understood.' When this happens, Tessina points out, divorce is often the next step if you don't get counseling and figure out how to talk to each other without fighting.

Someone Cheats
Lauren Mackler, relationship coach, psychotherapist, and author of the bestseller Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life warns that if one or both partners in a relationship engage in emotional or sexual infidelity, you might be headed for divorce. 'People step outside their marriage because they don't know how to deal with their or their partner's feelings of anger, resentment, low self-esteem, and boredom -- common causes of marital discord,' she explains. 'Instead of acting on feelings of attraction to someone else, use this as a wake-up call that your marriage is in peril.' You and your spouse can seek out a professional who can help you identify the root causes of the marital discord and take action to change the interpersonal dynamics that led to the marital collapse, Mackler advises.

No Sex
If there is a decrease in sexual interest and activity (and there are no physiological conditions at play), you and your spouse might be headed for disunion. And the worst part is couples often avoid talking about this issue due to feelings of rejection or shame, Mackler points out. 'Instead of feeling rejected or angry, understand that a decrease in sexual intimacy is not the problem, but an indicator of deeper marital issues,' she explains. 'Then, find a good therapist or relationship coach (who has a background in psychology) to help you cut through the symptoms of your ailing marriage to effectively address the root-level causes.'

The Danger Signs

In relation to my previous blog entry, The Pre-Marital. I will discuss the danger signals that both parties should evaluate during the earlier stages. The stages that I am talking about is during the acquaintance, courtship and going steady. Both parties should evaluate or study each other especially during thee courting stage.

The Bible says In Matthew 19:4-6, in The Message Translation (MSG)

He answered, "Haven't you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female? And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart."

I know God does not want you to be married with the wrong person so, study and evaluate the person thoroughly. Does this person only love you because of sex? Money? Study the way they act and how they react to things. Does the person smoke weed? Is that person an alcoholic? Can I endure this?

The Bible said, ..... “no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart.” Which means that God does not want anyone that has become one to become two bodies again.

To help prevent these unwanted separations, it can be avoided through taking note of these danger signs.

So, here are the top thirteen danger signals:

1. Mental Impairment

2. Emotional instability

3. Excessive Jealousy

4. Angry disposition

5. Substance related disorder

6. Alcohol addiction

7. Personality change

8. Double personality

9. Anxiety disorder

10. Sexual identity disorder

11. Impulse control disorder

12. Anti-social personality

13. Impulse control disorder

These signs could already be sensed during the early stages. If these danger signs are evident to your partner. Ask yourself if you could bear with it. Weigh it, and know how much love could cover those disorders.

Remember this, do not ever start something with the person or break up with him or her.

If you think that you’ll just end up breaking up. Do not ever start anything. I will always remind everyone and repeat this over and over.  That divorce is a painful process. It could cost your happiness and normal life especially when you really love the person. Moreover, it is very expensive.

Problems might lead to a painful divorce.

However, there are cases wherein some people love the other person so much even if the other party has disorders. They want to believe that the person could change. Their love to the person covers all the flaws of the other. They bear all the pain and still love that person more than anyone could. Some people think that they are stupid or martyr. But that is what I call, REAL AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

But always remember, everything in excess is bad. If you’re always beaten or get hurt 24/7. Please Please have second thoughts. You are worth something.

The Pre-Marital

This blog is all about what divorce is, what happens in a divorce, how to prevent divorce and how to cope with divorce. I’ve also mentioned and cited a lot of divorce stories for us to learn from. Basically, the purpose of this blog is for me to vent out all opinions on divorce. I’ve also mentioned that the Philippines is the only country that still does not allow divorce. I’ve explained the reason behind it and it is because of their strong culture and Faith.

Today, I am going to do something different. Yet, it is still related to divorce.

Why does divorce occur? Can we prevent this? I know, I have already tackled this. But, this time in a Christian or Biblical Perspective.

Divorce can only happen to married people. So, what does being married mean?

In Matthew 19:4-6, in The Message Translation (MSG)

 4-6He answered, "Haven't you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female? And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart."

Okay, so let’s first put this aside.

Another question, how does the marriage process work? So here is the standard process that leads to marriage.

First, acquaintance. During this stage both parties study the other and learn about him or her. Then, they become somewhat knowledgeable or they know little about each other. After that, approval of being friends with each other

Second, courtship. Here is all the fun part begins. During this stage the woman will evaluate the man whether his tricks work on her. She will also be the one who will approve whether they shall continue to the next stage.

Third, going steady. In this stage the relationship is already steady. Meaning, there is acceptance for each other. However, both parties would still evaluate each other if they could go on and move to the next stage.

Fourth, engagement. In this stage, formalization happens. The man would propose for marriage, and when the woman says yes then they are already engaged. In this part, a lot of thinking should be done. Both parties should have to answer yes into the following questions:

    Do I love him or her?

    Can I live forever with this person?

    Do I see myself growing old with this person?

    Will I still love this person even when he or she is all wrinkly?

Lastly, Preparing for the Wedding. When one is already on this stage, it only means that both parties are determined to live together forever.

However, there is a condition. The condition is to leave their parents and live and build a family together. The husband and wife should live together. They should be united. Moreover they have the duty of procreating or reproducing. Which means having babies, whom they have responsible to.