Would you support or go against the Divorce Bill?

This entry is a continuation of my previous entry, The Other Side of the Coin.

Yes, I am aware that the Philippines allow legal separations and annulments. Read my previous blogs, What is Legal Separation? and What is Annulment?
In the Philippines, for couples who want to dissolve their union, there are two options, which are annulment and legal separation.
I have defined and differentiated the two from divorce in my previous blog.

Both are options are flawed. In legal separations, everything but the marriage is dissolved. Quite literally, the couple remains married only on paper. In an annulment, you must prove that your reason for wanting to nullify the marriage existed even before the marriage--this requires one to declare and prove that his or her partner is incapable of functioning as wife or husband.

The most commonly used reason for an annulment is “psychological incapacity.” It requires that you prove that your spouse (or both of you) is indeed psychologically incapable of performing the responsibilities that come with being married. In legal terms, that means presenting evidence that proves this allegation. To back up your claim, you need to get a psychological report which can be expensive.

Because of the separation of Church and State, getting a civil annulment will only mean that your civil union has been dissolved. This is fine if you were married in City Hall, but if you had a church wedding, this means that your church union is still intact. To nullify your church wedding, you need to go through the whole process again, this time with the archdiocese. This action will cost more and take longer.

Many opt to get only a civil annulment, but the drawback is that if you chose to re-marry, you cannot do it in church.

The cost of proving grounds for an annulment, such as psychological incapacity, requires the hiring of specialists and the like, which can cost thousands of pesos--not something everyone can afford.

Clare Padilla, Executive Director of EnGenderights, an NGO that provides legal services, pointed out that the current situation [no clear law on divorce] puts wives in abusive relationships in a bind: “Many women end up cohabiting with their current partner without having their marriage nullified. And because of this, some women are dismissed from government service precisely because of these 'immorality issues.'”

I got these facts from http://www.femalenetwork.com/news-features/9-reasons-to-support-the-legalization-of-divorce-in-the-philippines

It is ironic that the Philippines is the only country that does not legalize divorce.

According to Atty. Fred Pamaos, the Philippines once had a law on divorce. “Before the Spanish colonial rule in the early 16th century, absolute divorce had been widely practiced among our ancestral tribes—the Tagbanwas of Palawan, the Gadang of Nueva Vizcaya, the Sagada and Igorot of the Cordilleras, the Manobo, Bila-an and Moslems of Visayas and Mindanao islands, to name a few.”

During the American period and Japanese occupation, some form of divorce was already in place. It was actually the 1950 Civil Code of the Philippines that abolished these laws.

Here is a fun fact. The Philippines actually allows divorce, however only for the Muslims. There is the so-called Code of Muslim Personal Laws of the Philippines. Note that there’s a catch! A man can divorce his wife, but a woman cannot divorce her husband.

I hope that I helped letting you see both the good and the bad side of divorce. I have said my own opinion. Now, it is your turn to decide.

Would you support or go against the Divorce Bill?

The Other Side of the Coin

In the world, the Philippines and the Vatican are the only places where divorce is still illegal. We all know that the Philippines is a Christian nation and how their Faith and their Culture strongly influences the Filipinos.

Divorce has always been a controversial issue and I believe that the only way to be enlightened and be knowledgeable on the topic.

According to the latest survey, five out of ten Filipinos are Pro Divorce, while one out of five are still undecided.

Personally, I say that I am against divorce and I have stated all of the reasons why I am in my previous blogs. However, when I hear or read the side of the people who are pro divorce, I tend to somehow switch sides. But in the end of the day, when you ask me I am still against.
But somehow, I guess I am still confused.

Whenever I hear, “What about those people who suffers from marital abuse? Who gets emotional and worse, physical abuse from their spouse?” I tend think twice.
Those people deserve to get their life back. Without divorce, there can not have a room for happiness and to move on.

But as I contemplate, I realized that the bill will help those people who suffers from marital abuse. It is when enough is enough. They can not play the role of a martyr in their whole life. They deserve to be happy and get rid of their abusive partners.

Another point that was raised was that the Church sees the divorce bill on a general perspective.
Maybe, we should just face the fact that not all marriages succeeds.
There are a lot of reasons why they do not succeed. Each couple has a story. Some couples have a lighter situation, but some have big situations.

There are physical abuse, sexual infidelity, irreconcilable differences and conflicting personalities, gross irresponsibility, loss of affection, and many other conflicts between the couple.
According to the website of Philippine Commission on Women, “physical injuries and/or wife battering remains to be the most prevalent case across the twelve-year period, from 1997–2009, accounting nearly half (45.5 percent) of all reported violence against women (VAW) cases nationwide.”

In the Philippines, spousal abuse and infidelity are not grounds for the annulment of marriage.

In the end, whether the divorce bill will be passed or not, both the husband and the wife should really fight for their marriage to last. I believe that we should trust the Filipinos with their values. I still believe that the Fear of the Lord and their Faith is the top priority. Moreover, there are some marriage counselors that can give the best advice to maintain a happy relationship.

Now, having all these said. I would now say that I am Pro Divorce.

Don’t get me wrong. I would agree on having divorce bill passed here in the Philippines for the sake of the marital abused.

I would not want people to suffer their whole life with the wrong person, and lose the happiness in their life.

Divorce In Another Perspective

Even if I am really against divorce, I still believe that both sides should be heard. There are two sides in everything. And I believe that everything should be weighed. Pros and cons should be considered to get the best result.

I somehow got the idea from http://socyberty.com/law/divorce-in-the-philippines/, who believes that divorce should be legalized here in the Philippines.

The Philippines is a predominantly Christian Culture. It is the largest Christian Culture of all of Asia. It was because of the Spanish influence during the colonial period. Filipinos are very religious and follow strict Catholic rules. It is in their culture. Filipinos also follow very strict Catholic inspired laws, one of which is Divorce being illegal. For the reason that marriage is sacred in the eyes of God and it is very wrong to do such a thing. The only other option one might take to end a marriage is Annulment which is very costly.

“Pro-Lifers” they like to call themselves are those who are against divorce and claim that it’s anti-life. They also claim that it isn’t all about religion and it’s just in the Filipino character to keep the family together. Well it’s Culture and of your own beliefs powered by religion that makes you think that way.
They show statistics that a family that stays together have happier and healthier children and I don’t doubt that for a second, I totally agree. But those are most likely statistics of happy families. Why would people Divorce if they are happy together?

As part of being Filipino, is having a colonial mentality. We always tend to compare ourselves to the United States. I guess this is because of the effects of the Television. We are too exposed on media and we believe that what we see is right. We tend to justify their acts because we get so familiar with it.
They look the 50% Divorce rate and they instantly think that it’s an easy process that people for piety reasons. What happen to the Filipino character that they talked about? I guess we can not just generalize everything. Even Filipinos, not everyone is a pure devoted catholic, and not everyone thinks that the United States is the better country that we should follow.

In Spain where the people who influence much of our culture, their divorce rate is 17% and in Italy where our beloved Pope lives their divorce rate is 12%. Why are we so sure that we are going to follow the path of the Americans? We should learn to love and look at our own culture for what it is.
Divorce doesn’t solve the problems of these people, but so is staying in a marriage you’ve tried hard to save but still failed. What’s more painful/unhealthy for the children: having parents who are perfectly fine with each other although they are not married anymore, or having parents who are always at each other’s throats for the simplest reasons?

Let people have a choice in what to do with our lives. Not everybody follows your own beliefs and attitudes. I know how to respect your faith, so why don’t you do the same with mine. That being said, I strongly believe that divorce should be legalized in the Philippines.

Philippines and Divorce

Divorce has always been a controversial issue.

Before I state my opinions, I will discuss a brief historical background on how divorce bill started here in the Philippines.

The divorce bill is not actually a new issue.

I got these hard facts from http://thewutzup.com/2011/06/21/divorce-in-the-philippines/

It has been controversial ever since it was mentioned in the Philippine Congress. Representative Manuel C. Ortega filed the House Bill No. 6993 way back in 1991 to endorse the divorce to be legal in the Philippines. In 2001, Senator Rodolfo G. Biazon and Bellaflor J. Angara-Castolla filed a similar matter under the Senate Bill no. 782 and House Bill no. 878, respectively. Then, in 2005, a party-list representative Liza Masa of Gabriela also filed a divorce bill and filed it again during the 14th congress under House Bill no. 3461 to introduce it in the Philippines.

Today, DIVORCE has been HOT TOPIC not only inside the congress but also throughout the Philippines especially in the rural areas. There are different opinions coming out that categorizing the supporters and non-supporters of the said bill. Even the government officials have different opinions regarding the House Bill no. 3461.

“It is bound to be another one contentious bill, but let me just say that I myself is in favor of the bill. (It’s) very difficult to let the people who cannot continue to live together. “– Feliciano Belmonte
“Let us not keep our country in the dark ages. I appeal to my colleagues in Congress to let the legislative mill run its course on the Divorce bill without further delay and give Filipino couples in irreparable and unhappy marriages this option.”- Luzviminda Ilagan

For the non-supporters of the said Bill, marriage is not only a legal union but also a sacred union between the man and woman bless by God. These two persons institute themselves as partner for their whole life and promise not to separate whatever happens. But for the supporters, there are unhappy marriages all over the Philippines. These marriages are not working so why not end it. So, divorce is the only option for them.

Of course, this is a no brainer, the Catholic Church is against the said Bill.
It is interesting to note that the Catholic church would oppose the legalization of divorce. Since, some other said Christian countries like America has already legalized divorce. Would they also support making divorce illegal in those countries?

Divorce is currently illegal here in the Philippines, and the Catholic church would like it to remain that way.

Each person has their own view and opinion on this hot and very controversial issue.
This matter will take time for the Philippines to sort out. It is also significant for the congress to know the opinions of their citizens. This will help them to decide if the country needs the Divorce Bill or not.

The best way is still to sort out the positive and the negative sides of divorce.

In my Opinion...

If you were reading my blog from the start, you would know that personally I am against divorce.
In this blog entry, I would discuss my position on the issue of legalizing divorce in the Philippines.
Divorce was defined as the final termination of a marital union, canceling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between the parties. In most countries, divorce requires the sanction of a court or other authority in a legal process. The legal process for divorce may also involve issues of spousal support, child custody, child support, distribution of property and division of debt.

If the definition of divorce was taken into a consideration, it sounds good as it can indeed save you from any dilemma whom a married individual could have been facing.  But if you were to assess it, it is simply an escape which could lead nothing to but abuse and a growing number of broken families. Ending a marriage would not solve the roots of the problem. It is just avoiding the problem, avoiding arguments and other issues. Being able to just escape from all pains as easy as that sounds really good. But it does not resolve anything. People should be matured and face their problems. Like for example, putting a bandaid on a wound would not disinfect it, it would just cover it. Wounds should be treated and cleaned before it can be covered. For some, especially those who are very much eager to get out of their marriage, would definitely say Yes!

However, they would later realized and we will know that we are actually developing ourselves into indecisive individuals. Why should we seriously consider something particularly getting married when applying for a divorce is as easy as a snap of a finger?  Well, actually not a snap of a finger.  I  know the costs, pains and damages the divorce can cause. I have said this in my previous blogs. But, you get my point. Have you also thought that if divorce is legalized, you would certainly no longer exert an “extra effort” to fix whatever problems you have with your spouse? Also, imagine the future generations. They would not take marriage seriously, since divorce is just there available when needed.

Another point I would like to raise is that the Philippines is a Christian-Catholic country. The Holy Matrimony should remain holy. It is not just a plain, worthless contract sign off when you feel like things are going out of its way, you can at anytime terminate it. The more that it is not just like changing clothes in your closet, and changing it anytime you want. It is normal for people to fight and have arguments. In this world, there is no perfect relationship. Arguments can even somehow make a relationship stronger and even better.

This is just my opinion and what I believe in. However, I still believe that even if the divorce bill was passed. I think that the Filipinos would not make use of this as an excuse to end marriage. I still believe that their faith and the fear of the Lord is stronger.

The Six Types of Divorce Part II

Here are the next four types of divorce.

3.The economic divorce—the division of money and property.
The division of assets can be difficult. Since two households are more expensive than one, you may have less money to cover expenses due to divorce. As a result, you may need to learn new financial skills. Set up a budget based on your current expenses and income. If needed, community resources can help you find employment opportunities. You also may be eligible for job training or educational assistance. Insurance (health and life) and retirement plans can become even more important after divorce.

4.The co-parental divorce—the negotiation of parenting following marital separation and establishment of the bi-nuclear family.
You must learn how to continue your role as a parent while letting go of your spousal role. You cannot control the actions of your child’s other parent. However, your children will adjust better if you shield them from post-marital conflicts between you and the other parent.

The amount of time you spend with your children may change following divorce. You may feel overwhelmed if you have primary responsibility for their care. You may feel that you don’t have adequate time for yourself as an adult. On the other hand, you may feel lonely and out of touch if you spend less time with the child/children following divorce.
You can be successful as a parent in a bi-nuclear family if you:

•Avoid criticizing the other parent in front of the children.
•Don’t use your child/children as messengers to the other parent.
•Schedule meetings in an open and neutral location where you can talk with the other parent about the child/children.
•Use mediation, if needed, to help you talk together.
•Don’t ask the child/children for information about the other parent.
•Don’t make your child/children your confidante(s).
•Seek out adult friends, family members, support groups, or counselors to fulfill this role.

5.The community divorce—the changes that occur in relationships with friends and the community.

As the divorce process continues you may receive less support from family and friends. You may feel as though fewer people are willing to help when you need them most. You may no longer feel comfortable around your married friends. The mutual friends that you and your former spouse shared prior to divorce may seem uncomfortable in your presence. They may not want to take sides.

You may feel nervous about starting to date again, especially if you haven’t dated for years. Support groups through your church, community, or work can help you establish new friendships. A divorce support group offers a setting where you can share your personal experiences with others. If you are not feeling good about yourself, consider seeking counseling to help build your self-esteem.

6.The psychological divorce—the process of mental separation and the development of your independence.

This is the “true” separation from the marital partner. At this point you learn to be self-supportive. You may develop insight as to the reasons why you decided to marry and divorce. Instead of spending time blaming another person for the divorce, you can spend your time adapting to the divorce as you learn about yourself and new ways to relate to others.

You know that you have adapted to divorce in a healthy manner if you:
•Have accepted that the marriage is over
•Have let go of the anger.
•Remember both the good and bad aspects of the marriage.
•Have made peace with the other parent of your children
and with yourself.
•Are realistic about how you contributed to the divorce.
•Have established a support network outside former marriage-related friendships. •Have developed future goals.
• Have allowed yourself time to heal before beginning another relationship.
•Are planning your life as a single person.

These information are brought to you by MK Lawler - pods.dasnr.okstate.edu

The Six Types of Divorce

Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the death of either spouse. It can be contrasted with an annulment, which is a declaration that a marriage is void, though the effects of marriage may be recognized in such unions, such as spousal support or alimony, child custody, child support, and distribution of property.

In many developed countries, divorce rates increased markedly during the twentieth century. Among the states in which divorce has become commonplace are the United States, South Korea, and members of the European Union, with the exception of Malta (where all civil marriages are for life, because civil divorce is banned). In the USA, Canada, the United Kingdom, and some other developed Commonwealth countries, this divorce boom developed in the last half of the twentieth century. In addition, acceptance of the single-parent family has resulted in many women deciding to have children outside marriage, as there is little remaining social stigma attached to unwed mothers in some societies. Japan retains a markedly lower divorce rate, though it has increased in recent years. The subject of divorce as a social phenomenon is an important research topic in sociology.In fact, the statistics of a survey conducted by Citibank on divorce in the United States suggested that more than fifty percent of divorced couples cited money problems as the cause of their divorce

A divorce must be certified by a court of law, as a legal action is needed to dissolve the prior legal act of marriage. The terms of the divorce are also determined by the court, though they may take into account prenuptial agreements or postnuptial agreements, or simply ratify terms that the spouses have agreed on privately. Often, however, the spouses disagree about the terms of the divorce, which can lead to stressful (and expensive) litigation. A less adversarial approach to divorce settlements has emerged in recent years, known as mediation, an attempt to negotiate mutually acceptable resolution to conflicts.

This fact sheet provides information regarding six different types of divorce. Each type will affect individuals in a different way. By learning about the processes, you may be able to move through each type of divorce more successfully.

1.The emotional divorce—the emotional separation and feelings associated with it.
You need to let go of your feelings about the marriage. You may feel that you and your partner have grown apart. You may be angry and disappointed. Often these feelings occur before the legal divorce is finalized. Some individuals have emotional issues for years after the legal divorce.
You and your spouse should decide the most effective way to handle household responsibilities. One partner may move out of the house, changing roles and responsibilities. You should discuss how to inform friends and family of the impending legal divorce.

The emotional divorce takes more work when children are involved. Children probably will be dealing with anger, sadness, fear, confusion, or rejection, and their feelings may make it more difficult for you to process your own emotions. The ongoing relationships between your children and both of their parents also complicate the resolution of emotional issues.

2.The legal divorce—the lawful end of the marriage by court action.
The legal divorce marks the end of the marital relationship. It allows individuals the choice to remarry in the future. Although you may have feelings of helplessness, your attorney and the court system can help make decisions regarding your situation. Tell your lawyer if you want more control over these decisions. Professional mediation can be useful in resolving difficult issues and developing a co-parenting plan when children are involved.

The next four types of divorce are in the next blog entry

What's Your Story? From a Man's Perspective Part II

Here is my opinion from the story from my previous blog entry, What's Your Story? From a Man's Perspective

I do not know why, but it seemed that when we talk about divorce. I see women as the victim. And as a woman, I do not like to see any woman who gets abused or victimized.

But at least in this case, I feel sympathetic for the man.

At first, I think that the it is not the guy’s fault. It is his wife’s fault because they are still together and married, yet she’s searching love from another man. I do not think that cheating in marriage is not justifiable. I believe that it is his wife’s responsibility to understand and forgive her husband.

The guy admitted that it is his fault, because communication was out of sync.

In my previous blogs, I have mentioned that communication is the key.

So, we can see that communication is really important in a relationship.

Marriage is a work by two people, and effort by a person would not carry the marriage through. It would not work. The other person would get tired of carrying all the burden. It is a responsibility of both parties to give effort on saving the marriage.

In their case, marriage has been over for a while. They are married in paper, but in their hearts they are no longer married. The wife would need to respect him. But what she was doing does not show any respect at all. She is having an affair, and he knows it.

I think it is a little bit too late. It has been four years that the woman has replaced him. I am not sure if she could still show some respect to him after she has done that.

As I have said, marriage is an effort from two people. But I do not think that both of you are showing some effort. As long as she is still seeing or having communications with the guy, she is not taking the relationship seriously. There should be apologizing and remorse that should happen.

But, in order to save the marriage, I think the guy should still do something about it. Show some effort that you still want your wife. Try talking to the guy that the woman that she’s seeing is a married woman.

At the end of the day, you are still her husband. Legal husband on the eyes of the law.

It does not hurt to try, and fix the marriage. Try to make your wife to fall in love with you all over again.

Remember how you courted her? Show her that you love her and that she’s important to you.

Do little things that would make her happy. Let her know that you are still the same man the she fell in love with.

Put yourself in her position. All she needs is recognition.
Love’s not enough when you say it. Don’t you know you gotta mean it?

What's Your Story? From a Man's Perspective

In this blog entry, I would discuss an experience of a man. It would be like one of my previous blog entry, What’s Your Story? I know I have said that I would not continue the series, but I found one interesting experience that I could use as an example in this blog.

In addition, to avoid bias. I got this story from a man. For some reasons, I often tend to see the woman as a victim. But it is different in this case.

You’ll understand when you’ve read the whole thing

“I have been married for seven years, sadly the last four have been quite bad, all communication has been out of sync or non-existent. She has had two separate affairs, but she admitted were being unhappy about life, liking the attention, and were largely physical. Counseling frustrated her because she said all it did was have someone to tell her how messed up she is (the councilor). She started a new affair a few months ago, I have very recently discovered it through some e-mails. The depths go far deeper than physical, she was completely ready to leave me. I have tried to steer her back towards me. I know nothing justifies cheating on your spouse but I do feel partly responsible because there are little things I could have done differently to avert a lot of this. But back to the current guy she told him, and he agreed, that she needs to see if things can be salvaged with us. I haven't told her about the e-mails but she did admit that she had fallen in love with another and wanted to try with us once again. I am pretty sure I already know the answer, but at what point to I surrender to the possibility she has already made up her mind and won't admit it to herself? That her desire to make us work is just her not being honest with herself? I don't want to let her go, there is something between us that is worth fighting for (something she has agreed on as well) and many of the surrounding circumstances causing our breakdown in communication have past, just not the wounds. She just came back from seven months overseas where the relationship reached its climax and I expected things to be awkward, but how much time should I let go by before it isn't that awkward again? She says she wants to work on things but seems to be distant and push back when I try to do little things. She won't stop communication with him (they text frequently), and I'm pretty sure all of you will agree that alone is a sign she's not truly serious about us but I have my reasons to believe this isn't the case. Having said all of that I guess I'm looking for a consensus as to if this is a colossal waste of time on my part?”

Please read my next blog entry for my opinions.

The Opinion

In this blog entry, I gathered some of the opinions about divorce on Twitter.

I think this would be helpful. Other people's opinion are important. I believe that in order to get the best result, we should see all the sides of the issue.

Here are some of the opinions that can be found on Twitter, a social networking site that offers micro blogging.

momblogger May 29, 2011 at 22:24

Now that Malta legalized it, the only country that doesn't allow divorce is the Philippines. Come on Gabriela do your thing!

dianekristel May 29, 2011 at 23:56

Is there a need to pass a Divorce Bill?

Kapunan: Opposition to divorce is the hypocrisy of congressmen who want to have their wives and keep their mistresses. #harapan

ANCALERTS June 13, 2011 at 0:05

May naghihiwalay talaga. Pag malabo ang terms, MAS kawawa ang anak. Lilinawin ng divorce terms ang arrangement of responsibilities. Klaro.

GangBadoy June 13, 2011 at 0:32

#harapan, #ibasura, #ipasa. ang kailangan ay ayusin muna ang pagkatao ng isang tao para maibsan na ang mga hindi magagandang gawain ng tao.

Duffymarkc June 13, 2011 at 1:34

Humans are just humans. Who they think is the "one" may not be anymore 10 years into married life. #ipasa

vinnicents June 13, 2011 at 1:30

legalizing something that should have not been from the beginning won't do us any good NO TO #DIVORCEBILL #ibasura dami ng batas to enforce,

1stladyace June 13, 2011 at 1:46

#ibasura #divorcebill di na kailangan 'yan, pag dating ng araw if mapasa 'yan pagcchan 'yan & magiging rason 'yan ng mabilis n pghihiwlayan

1stladyace June 13, 2011 at 1:56

Keeping a family together when there is a poisoned or totally broken down marriage does not protect the family at all. #ipasa #divorce

ikuwaderno June 13, 2011 at 2:06

Annulment is possible though.

There were 8,282 annulment cases in 2010. And countless others that don't get annulled anymore and just separate. This is already happening

Muwu May 29, 2011 at 23:46

@ml895 i do i live in the philippines, we don't have divorce but we have annulment which totally different

TingJin08 May 29, 2011 at 19:06

Philippines only country (aside from Vatican City) that does not legalize divorce.

Malta voted "Yes" to divorce. Does that mean the Philippines is the only place left where divorce is still unlawful? #fb

timothygo_only1 May 29, 2011 at 20:02

Prior to 1947, we had divorce in the Philippines. The late Senator Arturo Tolentino was a divorcée.

nerveending May 29, 2011 at 20:16

Woah, RH bill now, divorce? Is Philippines ready for the modern world?

marvinleetang May 29, 2011 at 18:40

@ml895 Hmmn I actually don't want divorce to be legal here in the Philippines...

loyalsubject May 29, 2011 at 19:57

Posted a link in FB abt Philippines being left as d only country not legalizing divorce. Girls r commenting & shouting one thing - FREEDOM!

jexplore May 29, 2011 at 22:04

divorce in the Philippines would be useless if the ex husband could not afford to pay the alimony

loidita May 29, 2011 at 22:11

The Philippines is now the only nation without divorce. It's time, c'mon honorable Congressmen and Senators!

barnabychuck May 29, 2011 at 22:20

Every fellow Asian I know has the same reaction when I tell them #Divorce is illegal in the #Philippines. "What. The. Fuck?"

flipcritic May 29, 2011 at 22:19

@momblogger @bethangsioco Guys, di pa nga tapos ang laban sa RH...you wanna take on the church again on another uber-sensitive issue?

blogie May 29, 2011 at 22:20

Haha! Nainggit lang sa Malta. :) but seriously, bills have been filed fr 9th congress yata. @blogie @momblogger

bethangsioco May 29, 2011 at 22:24

@momblogger not many people know but the Bible does grant divorce on ONLY ONE condition: adultery..just cant remember the exact verse

agilangtamad May 29, 2011 at 22:23

Thoughts on Divorce

@sisanipepe I don't see why divorce is evil and will destroy the family while annulment is totally okay. They achieve the exact same thing.

Muwu May 29, 2011 at 23:28

“@flipcritic: Why no #Divorce in #Philippines? Because it's another money maker 4 Catholic Church.” Religion=controlling the masses!

HeadlessGal May 29, 2011 at 22:39

Some don't believe in divorce

I'm supporting the Philippines as the only country not legalizing divorce. I believe in the sanctity of marriage. Malta said YES, PHL NEVER.

BlinkingBadge May 29, 2011 at 23:07

@itsJohnTiu i don't think divorce should be legalized in the Philippines..

jettorias May 29, 2011 at 23:07

The future of divorce.

I predict that in the next 15 years, the Philippines will be the only country in the world that still bans divorce, condoms & gay marriage.

davesi May 29, 2011 at 23:16

@flipcritic @momblogger Superficially moral. In reality, the core is just as rotten as anywhere else in the world

Muwu May 29, 2011 at 23:33

You can share your thoughts on HB No. 1799, the Divorce Bill as well. The full view of the Bill can be found here
http://www.scribd.com/doc/35838190/House-Bill-No-1799-An-Act-Introducing-Divorce-in-the-Philippines

I featured this site and had briefly discussed the bill in one of my previous blog.

The Supplement

I’ve been honest since my first blog that I, personally am against divorce. As much as possible I do not want to see separation, sadness, sorrows, loneliness. I guess this is because there’s this child in me who still believes in happily ever afters. I also believe in the Filipino Saying,” Lahat ay naaayos sa mabuting usapan”

If you’re in a series of routine that cycles within arguing, fighting and silent treatment. Then, I am already telling you that it is a bad sign.

However, in order to save a marriage it would require the efforts of both parties.

So, how do you save your marriage? Brie Gatchalian researched and compiled five must know tips from five relationship experts on how to save a failing marriage.

Avoid drama
No one likes fighting, cold silences, slamming doors, court battles, child custody problems and financial struggles. 'Drama of that type is never necessary — it's a result of adults acting like upset children,' points out Tina Tessina, who's also known as 'Dr. Romance,' and author of How To Be A Couple and Still Be Free. 'Avoid dramatic pronouncements, scenes and ultimatums when problems arise. Instead, learn to sit down as an adult and talk about what the solution might be.' For starters, think and act as you do at work when a problem arises — most people can't throw fits and keep their jobs, right?

Don't resent each other
Resentment is a poison that will kill a marriage. 'In order for a marriage (or any relationship) to heal and grow, it's essential that you release resentment over things that went ‘wrong' in the past,' says Aurora Winter, founder of Grief Coach Academy and author of From Heartbreak to Happiness. 'The truth is, the past is over. No matter how much you think it should have been different, the past is never going to change. Ever.'

Plan Date Nights
It's very important to keep the lines of communication open between two people who spend their days focused on other people and careers. And it's also very important to have some fun in the process. 'Once or twice a month, get out of the house and enjoy a dinner and talk,' suggests Sybil Keane, psychologist and mental health expert on JustAnswer.com. 'Make a list during the month about what you feel you need to address and talk about — both good and bad.' Keep children's issues to a minimum — this is about the two of you. Validate each other and try to remember what life was like when you first dated, Keane adds. 'Yes, [things are] different [now], but the longer you stay married, the more mature your love will become.'
 

Don't forget about TLC
'Instead of trying to mold your spouse into the perfect partner, focus on becoming the ideal partner you seek,' explains Lauren Mackler, life coach and author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. 'This allows you to engage with your partner from a place of wholeness, instead of from a place of neediness or fear that you can't take care of yourself.' And don't forget about how much you love your significant other. It's important to extend to your relationship the same devotion and tenderness that you would to a newborn child, Mackler says. 'Just as a baby would die if left to fend for itself, relationships fail to thrive without on-going care, love, and attention.'
 

Give it time
Getting a relationship back on track takes time. 'Set in your mind a timeframe with periodic check-ins to see if things are improving. Remember though, it's not a wait-and-see proposition, which can be passive,' says Karol Ward, licensed psychotherapist and author of Find Your Inner Voice. You have to commit and make saving your relationship an active project. 'At the end of three months (for instance), check in with yourself and your spouse to see how things are going.' Ward reminds to start acknowledging the positive changes you've experienced and fine-tune the things that still need work.

The 7 Signs to Watch Out For Part Two

Here's the continuation of my previous blog.

These are the other three signs that you should be watching out.

You're Parents, Not Partners
'If you have focused so much on being a family and raising your kids, and let your couple relationship go, you may find that you've lost your couple connection completely,' warns Tessina. 'This is why so many couples break up as soon as the kids are grown (or even before). Your man-and-wife relationship is vital -- it's the foundation your family is built on.' Tessina advises that you and your spouse not get so into your role as parents that you forget to be partners. Yes, your children are important, but so are your love and your relationship as a couple. It's not just about the kids.

Complete Withdrawal
'When either spouse withdraws emotionally from the relationship for an extended period of time, this means that the person no longer wants to put in the effort,' Ward points out. That might be hard to hear, couples, but pulling back because you are hurt is very different then removing yourself from the relationship while you are still in it -- those are two totally different things. 'If a spouse stops giving affection, refuses to communicate or does not spend time at home for long periods of time, this usually indicates they have emotionally left the relationship,' Ward explains. To fix matters, you can verbalize your concerns or write a note telling your spouse you need to speak with him. 'When you do meet, tell him you have noticed his disappearance, how it makes you feel and ask him what's going on,' she advises. 'It may feel awkward and rusty to connect again, but if you want your relationship back on track, let it be awkward without judging it.

Unwillingness to Resolve Conflict
If one of you refuses to try and work out conflicts or problems, you are in a dead-end relationship,' says Ward. 'There is a difference between not knowing how to resolve arguments and the refusal to do so. If one spouse or both are unwilling to negotiate, stop arguing or go to a therapist to heal the relationship, then the relationship has no where to go except towards divorce.' You and your spouse have to be willing to try and save the relationship in order for it to survive, say relationship experts. If you and your spouse are both willing, it's a good idea to find time when you are not fighting to communicate and share your concerns. 'Tell your spouse that you don't know how to fix things between you and you are feeling stuck,' Ward suggests. 'Ask him if he has any thoughts on how to make things better and then discuss one thing you are willing to try that week to rebuild trust. If you still can't agree, tell your spouse you feel you both need professional support and guidance and then find a couples therapist.' Hopefully, he'll want to give that a shot.

The 7 Signs to Watch Out For

In my previous blog, The Danger Signs, I have stated the “danger signs” that can be sensed on your partner that might lead to separation. These danger signs are for preventing in engaging into a wrong relationship and a failed marriage.

However, I have also said that it depends on the situation, especially with the love and patience of the other party towards the other person.

In this blog entry, I would be discussing the signs that a married couple would be undergoing that might lead to divorce.

I am not saying that when you are experiencing the things that I am going to say, then your bound to divorce. There’s always a chance to save your marriage. These signs are here to waken you up and save your marriage before it’s too late.

So what are the signs that I am talking about? 

So, here are seven signs that you should watch out for, ‘cause these are signs that might lead you to an undesirable divorce.

These signs are from www.sheknows.com

Lack of Respect
According to Karol Ward, author of Find Your Inner Voice: Using Instinct and Intuition Through the Body-Mind Connection, if either spouse is disrespectful or dismissive about trying to repair issues in the marriage, this indicates that the one using the disrespect is no longer regarding the other one as an equal partner. 'There is a big difference between being angry or hurt with your spouse and treating them with scorn. Disrespect means you no longer value or cherish your spouse, which is a major problem in a relationship,' Ward explains. If you'd like to fix matters, Ward suggests, 'When things are calm, express how hurt you feel when you feel you are disrespected and ask what is triggering it. You don't have to agree with the other person's perspective, but indicate you are willing to try and work on the relationship and ask them if they are too.' Be honest, calm and direct, Ward adds. 'If you find out the other person does not want to continue, at least you will know the truth and stop the cycle of bad behavior,' she says.

No Fighting
This might sound good in theory, but if you and your spouse aren't fighting anymore, that means you're also not communicating. 'If you've been fighting, or just dread fighting, moving into a phase of not talking meaningfully at all can feel like a relief,' says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a.k.a. 'Dr. Romance,' psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, 'but it could be a sign that you've both given up on being understood.' When this happens, Tessina points out, divorce is often the next step if you don't get counseling and figure out how to talk to each other without fighting.

Someone Cheats
Lauren Mackler, relationship coach, psychotherapist, and author of the bestseller Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life warns that if one or both partners in a relationship engage in emotional or sexual infidelity, you might be headed for divorce. 'People step outside their marriage because they don't know how to deal with their or their partner's feelings of anger, resentment, low self-esteem, and boredom -- common causes of marital discord,' she explains. 'Instead of acting on feelings of attraction to someone else, use this as a wake-up call that your marriage is in peril.' You and your spouse can seek out a professional who can help you identify the root causes of the marital discord and take action to change the interpersonal dynamics that led to the marital collapse, Mackler advises.

No Sex
If there is a decrease in sexual interest and activity (and there are no physiological conditions at play), you and your spouse might be headed for disunion. And the worst part is couples often avoid talking about this issue due to feelings of rejection or shame, Mackler points out. 'Instead of feeling rejected or angry, understand that a decrease in sexual intimacy is not the problem, but an indicator of deeper marital issues,' she explains. 'Then, find a good therapist or relationship coach (who has a background in psychology) to help you cut through the symptoms of your ailing marriage to effectively address the root-level causes.'

The Danger Signs

In relation to my previous blog entry, The Pre-Marital. I will discuss the danger signals that both parties should evaluate during the earlier stages. The stages that I am talking about is during the acquaintance, courtship and going steady. Both parties should evaluate or study each other especially during thee courting stage.

The Bible says In Matthew 19:4-6, in The Message Translation (MSG)

He answered, "Haven't you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female? And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart."

I know God does not want you to be married with the wrong person so, study and evaluate the person thoroughly. Does this person only love you because of sex? Money? Study the way they act and how they react to things. Does the person smoke weed? Is that person an alcoholic? Can I endure this?

The Bible said, ..... “no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart.” Which means that God does not want anyone that has become one to become two bodies again.

To help prevent these unwanted separations, it can be avoided through taking note of these danger signs.

So, here are the top thirteen danger signals:

1. Mental Impairment

2. Emotional instability

3. Excessive Jealousy

4. Angry disposition

5. Substance related disorder

6. Alcohol addiction

7. Personality change

8. Double personality

9. Anxiety disorder

10. Sexual identity disorder

11. Impulse control disorder

12. Anti-social personality

13. Impulse control disorder

These signs could already be sensed during the early stages. If these danger signs are evident to your partner. Ask yourself if you could bear with it. Weigh it, and know how much love could cover those disorders.

Remember this, do not ever start something with the person or break up with him or her.

If you think that you’ll just end up breaking up. Do not ever start anything. I will always remind everyone and repeat this over and over.  That divorce is a painful process. It could cost your happiness and normal life especially when you really love the person. Moreover, it is very expensive.

Problems might lead to a painful divorce.

However, there are cases wherein some people love the other person so much even if the other party has disorders. They want to believe that the person could change. Their love to the person covers all the flaws of the other. They bear all the pain and still love that person more than anyone could. Some people think that they are stupid or martyr. But that is what I call, REAL AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

But always remember, everything in excess is bad. If you’re always beaten or get hurt 24/7. Please Please have second thoughts. You are worth something.

The Pre-Marital

This blog is all about what divorce is, what happens in a divorce, how to prevent divorce and how to cope with divorce. I’ve also mentioned and cited a lot of divorce stories for us to learn from. Basically, the purpose of this blog is for me to vent out all opinions on divorce. I’ve also mentioned that the Philippines is the only country that still does not allow divorce. I’ve explained the reason behind it and it is because of their strong culture and Faith.

Today, I am going to do something different. Yet, it is still related to divorce.

Why does divorce occur? Can we prevent this? I know, I have already tackled this. But, this time in a Christian or Biblical Perspective.

Divorce can only happen to married people. So, what does being married mean?

In Matthew 19:4-6, in The Message Translation (MSG)

 4-6He answered, "Haven't you read in your Bible that the Creator originally made man and woman for each other, male and female? And because of this, a man leaves father and mother and is firmly bonded to his wife, becoming one flesh—no longer two bodies but one. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart."

Okay, so let’s first put this aside.

Another question, how does the marriage process work? So here is the standard process that leads to marriage.

First, acquaintance. During this stage both parties study the other and learn about him or her. Then, they become somewhat knowledgeable or they know little about each other. After that, approval of being friends with each other

Second, courtship. Here is all the fun part begins. During this stage the woman will evaluate the man whether his tricks work on her. She will also be the one who will approve whether they shall continue to the next stage.

Third, going steady. In this stage the relationship is already steady. Meaning, there is acceptance for each other. However, both parties would still evaluate each other if they could go on and move to the next stage.

Fourth, engagement. In this stage, formalization happens. The man would propose for marriage, and when the woman says yes then they are already engaged. In this part, a lot of thinking should be done. Both parties should have to answer yes into the following questions:

    Do I love him or her?

    Can I live forever with this person?

    Do I see myself growing old with this person?

    Will I still love this person even when he or she is all wrinkly?

Lastly, Preparing for the Wedding. When one is already on this stage, it only means that both parties are determined to live together forever.

However, there is a condition. The condition is to leave their parents and live and build a family together. The husband and wife should live together. They should be united. Moreover they have the duty of procreating or reproducing. Which means having babies, whom they have responsible to.