House Bill No. 1799

For the past few days, I’ve been talking about divorce. If you are wondering why, it is because there is a controversial proposed divorce bill that is being debated here in the Philippines. The divorce issue took the spotlight from the RH Bill debate which is still left unresolved. The debate, on both issues RH Bill and Divorce Bill, is between the Church and the government.

The full text of the Divorce Bill that I was talking about can be found here:
 http://www.scribd.com/doc/35768034/GABRIELA-PARTY-LIST-S-HB-1799-Divorce-Bill

The Philippines is the only country in the world that does not legalize divorce. Interesting isn’t it? If you are wondering why, it is because of the Filipino culture and religion. Filipinos believe that marriage is a sacred union which was done before God. It is a commitment to the law and God. Filipinos and, I believe this is true even to any kind of race in this world, are sad or it breaks their hearts when they hear marriages that breaks up. They would try their best to help resolve and save the marriage of the people they know and love. Their culture, religion and belief keeps married couples together. The dominant religion here in the Philippines is Christianity. The influence of the Church to the Filipinos is so strong that it influences how they think and act.

The interesting thing here is that Italy, which is known as the seat of Roman Catholicism, has already legalized divorce on 1974. Spain, which brought Catholicism in the Philippines, has already legalized divorce on 1981. Poland, which is the birth place of Pope John Paul, has legalized divorce on 1965. In truth, divorce is already permitted in the Philippines only if the parties are Muslim. So, what’s the issue on Religion? Divorce is only permitted for Muslims, while the Non Muslims or Christians are only permitted to have an annulment, which the Catholic Church and the State approves.

As I have said in my previous blogs, I am against divorce. However, if people would ask me if I would support or be against the Divorce Bill, I would say that I would support it. Why? Because knowing that Filipinos are God-fearing and the culture that they have. I strongly believe that they would not dare to file a divorce unless it is necessary. I know that not all Filipinos think this way, but in my point of view, there are cases wherein divorce is really necessary. Divorce is always the Last Option. Unfortunately, there are people who really needs to take this option.

I am not saying that I am supporting divorce, but what I am saying is that people need to have choices. God gave us the gift of free will, and it is our job to choose on the better path.

There are positive and negative points on everything. One of the negative side of legalizing divorce is that people might abuse it. People might forget the sacredness of marriage and take divorce for granted. They might think that marriage is a trial-and-error thing that they would just file a divorce if the marriage would not work.

I will discuss the pros and cons of divorce on my next blog entry.

The Children Involved

As a continuation of my previous blog post The Aftermath, I wanted to emphasize on how children are involved in a divorce. Children are the ones who are most affected in the divorce. This causes them to be confused, guilty and emotionally unstable.

Everyone wants a happy family. No child would want to have their parents separated.

The initial reaction of children towards divorce are different. Some would be in denial and pretend that everything is normal, some would be angry and become rebellious, some would be depressed, some would just be fearful, and some would experience all.

Children are very observant. It is very clear to them whether his parents are acting strange. Studies show that children who experiences questionable adult behavior are the ones who are most at risk for growing up emotional, angry and feels alienated. As I have mentioned in my previous blog, the children’s emotional and even physical needs are disregarded because the parents are focused on their situation. It is a very selfish act. I know that divorce is a very emotional and hard situation to be in. However, I strongly believe that none of this is the child’s fault. The parent do not have to pass on their pain to the child.

During the divorce process, the children does not only suffer losing the idea of having a complete family, but also loses the parents they knew. In addition to that, there are cases wherein the parent is suffering depression since one could not accept the separation. This could cause the parent to abandon the child. This is very selfish and unfair.

There are a lot of downside of divorce to children. Some loses their childhood. They become burdensome with things that they should not even be managing during their age. They are compelled to help and support their single parent by working or doing heavy chores. Some lose their peers because their parent relies on them. They are obliged to accompany and to help their parents recover. These effects causes the child to also lose their self esteem, since the child would have the tendency of thinking that it was their fault why their parents separated. Then, the child would obliged himself to put everything back again. And when he fails, he would feel that he is such a failure and he would blame himself for it.

Divorce would make a child’s life hard. It would make the child fearful of the future, causes the child to be emotionally unstable, and it would also cause the child to experience depression.

The parent should be responsible enough to make sure that he is able to fulfill his child’s needs, and not to even burden to child. It is already hard enough for the child to know that his parents are separated.

Remember, it is going to be more difficult for the child than the parent. If you are considering to separate, think about your child. Think about the massive trauma that could instill to him for the rest of his life.

The Aftermath

Divorce itself is already painful for both of them since they would be separated with the one they used to love, or worse, someone they still love. Someone whom they had promised to spend their life with. There are a lot of things one should be prepared of during, and even after the divorce process. To state the obvious, it would involve a lot of tears, pain, and bitterness. It is going to be heart breaking for everyone who is involved in the separation.

It is a big issue to manage and to cope with divorce. The divorcé or divorcée could either be happy or devastated after the divorce.

One of the most common effects of divorce is the financial income. Now, they income flow would not be coming from two pay checks. It would only be coming from a person. This change in cash flow would affect their lifestyle. For instance, they might have to find a more affordable place to live, their children might have to transfer to a public school, and they might not be able to travel like they used to. This will also cause them to cut down their expenses due to reduced income. They might also have to find for extra jobs and to work overtime just to have a decent living.

Second, the couple would have to manage their emotion. After divorce, their lifestyle would totally change. Being a married couple to single. They would have to cope with anxiety, since they would feel like they are starting over again. They would worry about a lot of things that might happen to them. They would also have to cope with guilt, disappointment, anger, weariness, loneliness, and sadness.  These feelings are inevitable, since people usually fear when something new happens to them.

The couple, or should I say ex-couple, are not the only ones who are going to be affected. The people who are most close to them would be also affected with the situation.

In every marriage break up, it is the children who are going to be affected the most especially when the situation was not handled properly. Most of the time, the parents are caught up with their situation that they disregard their children’s feelings. 

The psychological effect of their parents separation would affect them negatively.  They would feel guilty since they think that it was their fault why their parents separated. They would feel embarrassed, insecure, and they will lose confidence since their peers have a whole and happy family, and he has none. This would result to loss of concentration to their studies, and it would affect their attitude and behavior negatively.

According to http://www.childadvocate.net/divorce_effects_on_children.htm, children ages 3 to 5 years old are the ones who will likely exhibit regression. They would develop the fear of custodial separation. While, children ages 61/2 to 8 are the ones who will grieve openly for the departed parent. Children during this stage will have a difficulty on the concept of divorce. Then, children ages 8 to 11 would express anger and powerlessness. These children would express grief, and would have the tendency on labeling who’s the good and the bad parent. Last, children ages 12-18 would respond to the situation with acute depression, suicidal ideation, and violent acting. They would be anxious and fearful about their own future.

Divorce can affect one’s life and the people involved negatively. The consequences of divorce affects the children the most, and it would be hard for everyone to cope on the separation. It can affect people emotionally and psychologically. Divorce is a family affair, which everyone is going to be involved.

Remember, divorce is not always the solution. Try to talk about it and learn to forgive. Try to save your marriage and remember the reason why you married the person. The only relationship that could not and should no be saved is an abusive relationship.

Prevention is the Best Cure

It is always normal to have difficult times in every marriage. However, sometimes, in those fights, someone in the relationship would say “I want out!” or “I want a divorce.” Sometimes, the one saying this don’t really mean it. Unfortunately, there are times when it is already serious. Divorce is one of the most painful things that a person can go through. Fortunately, there are keys and pointers on how to avoid divorce, and also to know how to deal with conflicts.

These tips are for both men and women.

First, Before you say “I do!” think first! - Ask yourself, how important is this relationship to me? Do I love him or her? Can I live the rest of my life with this person? If your answers are yes, then commit to yourself that you will really do and mean everything you will vow on your wedding day.

If you are already married, then skip the first step and remember all the good times you had, when you’re in difficult times. Remember the day of your marriage. Remember why you loved him or her. Second, do not add to the problem, but think of a solution. You must deal with the issue IMMEDIATELY. Why? Because if not, the longer you argue, the more irritated you’ll be with your partner. Since, when you are annoyed with someone, everything he or she does will annoy you. When this happen, your argument will be bigger, and problems would just add and add. This will cause an unhealthy relationship. So, confront the problem before it gets worse. Who knows, it might just be a small misunderstanding. Don’t wait for it to get serious. In addition, by doing this you will get more closer to your partner. Since, you are both open to each other.

Third, Spend more time with him or her. Couples should have time for each other. Communication is the key to every healthy relationship. You can start about asking how his or her day. You can watch TV together, or take her out for dinner once in a while. Compliment him or her on how she does things or how good he or she looks. Surprise each other on special occasions. Make time for intimacy. Have a healthy sex life. Say, “ I love you” as much as you can. This is to reassure your partner that you still love him.

Lastly, when all else fails, get a marriage counselor. The counselor could give you tips and pieces of advice that could enlightened you and give you a new perspective in your relationship.

Those are only tips that you can apply to have a healthier and happier relationship. Oh, and remember you can never change a person. You can only change yourself. Accept your partner on who he or she is. You can your partner what you like or what you do not like about him or her NICELY. Think before you act, and remember that your partner is just human. So, treat him or her like one!

To leave or not to leave?

There could never be a perfect marriage. There are rough times in each relationship. It is normal for couples to argue and disagree with each other. Actually, it is somehow healthy for couples to argue. However, there are times wherein they would not agree on everything, and everything would just fall apart. This could lead to a hopeless situation wherein they would have to break up. Sadly, it is not always a happily ever after.

There are numerous reason why people break up and leads to divorce. Each couple has their story. There are hundreds of different reasons from couples who got separated. In some cases, there is not just one reason but a couple of overlapping reasons why they separated.

According to http://www.buzzle.com/articles/common-causes-and-reasons-for-divorce.html, the most common causes of divorce are communication problems, financial issues, physical abuse, substance abuse, drug, alcohol and gambling problems, marital infidelity, sexual problems, abandonment, emotional abuse, inability to manage or resolve conflict, differences in personal and career goals, different expectations, interference from parents or in-laws, lack of maturity, intellectual incompatibility, falling out of love, religious conflict, cultural and lifestyle differences, mental instability, criminal behavior, incompatibility and the list goes on.

Those were just some of the most common causes of divorce. As I have mentioned in my previous entry, having a divorce is a very serious decision that one would make. Divorce would definitely change one’s life 360 degrees. It would mean, goodbye happy family and back to single life.

Personally, I am against divorce.  Divorce means that a person would separate or leave the person he or she loved years ago. Divorce means that one would disunite with the man or the woman that he or she married. First, I would define what marriage is. Marriage, to me, is being united with the one you love til death. It is a commitment, not only to the law but also to God. Committing to yourself with another person. “For better for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, ‘til death do us part.” It also means becoming one. I do not get the point nor understand why two people should leave. For me, If they really love each other, why wont they fight for it til the end? Nobody’s perfect! Everyone has their flaws. And  I believe that if you love someone, you will love him or her unconditionally. However, there are cases wherein you would hear yourself saying, “I can’t take it anymore!” Enough is enough! Sometimes, you have tried your best to save the relationship, however your partner does not want to or is not helping. There are also cases wherein you do not really love the person you married. It was just because your parents told you so.

Again, I am against divorce. As much as possible, I do not like people having divorce. However, there are cases wherein I would agree on it. Especially when someone is already abused. It would be stupid to stay in the relationship and get hurt.

The Last Option

A couple getting married to be with the one they love til forever. Marriage is one of the biggest decision one would make. Marriage would mean being one, no more single life. One should consider the other in everything one does. In every relationship, even before marriage, people do argue. It is normal to argue and have small fights. Through these fights they learned from each other, and learn from past mistakes. After several years of marriage, some couples got strong together. However, there are some who fell out of love and got tired of each other and their relationship.

Divorce, according to www.dictionary.com, is a judicial declaration dissolving a marriage in whole or in part, especially one that releases the husband and wife from all matrimonial obligations.

There is no perfect marriage, in every marriage there would always be problems, misunderstandings, conflicts. Those could either strengthen or end a relationship. When these negative things occur, the initiate reaction would be to clarify things, and to try their best to resolve it. However, not every couple ends it well. Unfortunately, there are couples who would just give up on their relationship.

Life is not always a fairytale. It is not always perfect. Even if they have done their very best on saving their relationship. Sometimes, there are things that are unresolvable. This could be caused by lack of communication and a series of arguments.

Divorce is a legal way of terminating the marital relationship between a married couple. There are a lot of things one should consider before filing a divorce. For instance, the custody of their children, division of properties, and a lot more. One must have a lot of courage in order to undergo this kind of situation. Since, there would be a lot of major changes that would occur in one's life.

One thing is for sure, the process of divorce would never be easy. It does not only cost emotional pain, but it is also costly. This process has a start, middle, and end. First, pre-planning for a divorce. In this stage one should decide whether one should really pursue on this or not. If you think that the problem is impossible to be solved. Secondly, you should negotiate on the divorce. Thirdly, is the planning stage. It is depressing when one is in this stage, since this would determine the future. Legal actions would occur in this stage. In this stage, the process could be slowed down. Lastly, is the coping and recovering stage.

Divorce would literally mean turning one's back to his married life and family. It would be an emotional tearing, heart breaking and a very painful process for everyone that is involved.  It would take time for them to be stable and to recover. Moreover, the children would be the ones who are affected the most. It could harm them psychologically and emotionally.

So before you consider on having a divorce, think of the reasons why you loved the person you married before. Think of the good times you had!